To DO or to BE, that is the question ...

I was the best student as a child. In fact, as archaic and ineffective as the public education system may now be - I was one of those few children who was able to thrive in its constructs. Give me something to do, tell me how you want it done ~ and no one was more exemplary than me.

Once I left student academia however, things became increasingly more confusing. So many emotional overlays, mine and those of others, made it very difficult for me to determine what was truly expected of me in any given situation. My centre of power was always external, my sense of accomplishment and achievement always in the hands and opinions of others.

I thought of this while walking this afternoon. As I was about to walk down this path with Freakin' Dog (not her actual name, though it could be - we've called her that enough) - my attention was caught by the symbology before me. A path, somewhat drab and grey, lit up at the bend up ahead - indicating that following this direction may lead to something brighter than where I stand now.

At the head of this path, a bare tree - about to start the path's travel or perhaps, very near its end. I've been comparing myself to trees a lot this month ~ I'm about to do it again. I see myself in that tree - and I very much feel like I am at both the beginning and the end of a path right now.

Part of me stands proudly at the end of a path that has been well-travelled; filled with memories, a sense of accomplishment, all aspects of my being representing the time invested, the love devoted, the nurture provided. And there I stand, bare, finished and initiating hibernation for my next season's work.

And part of me is standing at what is the beginning of a path ~ a path whose end I cannot see, whose ultimate destination is unknown; yet it beckons me to follow it anyway.

I have grown a lot over the years, learned a lot about myself, devoted time to finding and appreciating my Self ~ and today, heading down this path with Freakin' Dog, I realized that the reason I seem to be in limbo so often these days is because I don't really know what I'm DOing - because for the first time in my life ... DOing is not the aspect of my Self that must take the lead at this point; BEing is.

No one is going to tell me what to DO now, or how they want it done. I have reached a point where I must determine who I will BE - and then course correct from there.

So, who will I BE? 

I listened to a podcast this morning (Marching Orders and a Voice Recovery Revolution by Jen Lee - and her final phrase struck me, so I wrote it down. She said this, "When you get taps on the shoulders like little assignments from something outside of you, often these are the things that make the biggest difference to people ~ when we in fact say Yes and then when we follow through and finally give it away." 

These Marching Orders can take us by surprise, they can sound crazy and they can take us completely out of our comfort zone. Jen Lee was reflecting on this in her podcast - and I thought of this, too, as I walked down the path with Freakin' Dog this afternoon. 

I'm stuck not because I don't desire to receive Marching Orders - Marching Orders make me very comfortable and provide direction, evaluative measures, and an end-goal. I'm stuck because I'm looking to receive the Marching Orders from an external source of power - as I've always done, as I've always done well. 

And at this stage in my life, that's simply not going to happen ~ because my days on that path are over. The days of going through life by myself have truly come to an end. And what awaits up there, at the bend, where the light is - are the days of going through life with my Self, with insight, intuition, gifts and purpose.

I still have no real idea of where I'm going specifically, but it does feel good to remove a barrier that was blocking my progress - and in so doing, I now know where directions won't be coming from. 

Perhaps, this is not my time to teach - but to BE, and to allow others to try to BE too by creating a space where BEing is safe, respected, honoured and celebrated. For one thing I definitely know how to BE is human ... I guess it's time to focus my energies on creating this human BEing.